12 Apr 2011

You all know what it is. Now it's time for it to harden up. POKEMON.

 I'm sure everyone knows what Pokemon is. Those crazy little creatures with insane abilities, like breathing fire or using leaves to chop you into little pieces. But it's become stale.

 This year (or if you want to be Japanese, starting at the end of last year), the fifth generation of Pokemon was launched. A new (terribly-rated) anime was released in Japan, titled "Best Wishes!" (seriously, who thought of that name?!) and it was accompanied by the release of two new Nintendo DS games - Pokemon Black and Pokemon White.

 So what did they do for the English dub of the anime? Called it Pokemon Black and White. Yep. Original. Who comes up with stuff? It's ridiculous.

 Now, I once watched the anime like many people. When I was much younger. I was actually still watching it about three years ago. That's around about the time when it became BAD. I mean, worse than it already had become. At that point, I just stopped. But it started with the video games, and those always seem to be enjoyable in some way, even if they ARE always the same thing. So, I jumped at the chance to play the new games. In Japanese...

 I played Pokemon Black. It was refreshing. Only new Pokemon until you beat the first half of the game (which is the first story arc). Not only does it make it more difficult, but it also manages to keep your attention on the game. Soon, an English translation patch was released. As with all translation patches, it wasn't 100% complete. Almost. But at the time, not all of the Pokemon had English names. Only some.

 I've just got to say this - the Japanese names can sound absolutely hilarious, but don't be fooled by their foreign-ness - they're normally as badly-made as the English ones. Take the name of an animal or its attributes and play with it. A lot. It's pretty straight-forward, and that's often (but not always) how they do it.

 Well, the new Pokemon are a joke. There are 156 new creatures. Really? That's an awful lot, and it takes the total number up to 649. THAT is crazy. Some of these Pokemon look fake. Some of them look to be related to older Pokemon but are NOT. I don't have a clue why not. But when I finally got a hold of the English version of Black, I realised just how bad they were. Every time I encountered a new Pokemon, there was a chance I'd either end up in a laughing fit or wondering what drugs those transimalatoring people were on. They aren't original names. They're a joke. They're BAD.

 Right, so, Pokemon is old. I reckon it should end, but come on, Nintendo won't let die one of their star franchises that has been stealing the money from the pockets of little children for years. It's just not on.

 So, I reckon it's about time Pokemon got mature, starting with their sixth generation. Don't change the damn creatures and make more of those abominations. I want to see a complete formula change.

 Here's how it goes:

  • You start the game by being introduced to your gang leader. You choose your codename and specify which gender you are (with the option of man or mouse).
  • Appearing in one of your gang's safe-houses, you leave early in the morning to visit the gang leader's crib. He initiates you as a member by giving you the choice of three guns: an uzi, a shotgun or a bazooka.
  • Now it's time for you to run off on your adventure. If you run through tall grass, you might encounter wild Pokemon. If you do, you'll need to find their weak spot and blast 'em where it hurts until they're dead. Then you can take their weapons to fill up your load-out and run off before the SPCA turn up.
  • You'll make a rival, who also happens to be part of one of the rival gangs. He's in the same position as you, so it's a contest to get the most armaments and blast the most Pokemon into oblivion. Gotta kill 'em all. You know how it goes.
  • When other people see you, they pick a fight. Once they have a few flesh wounds, they'll either bugger off or join your gang.
  • During your journey, someone tries to offer you a branded bicycle so that you can ride it and simultaneously promote their store. Once you assure him that bicycles are for girls, you take his motorbike that he parked out back and unlock the ability to perform drive-bys.
  • If a Pokemon is worthy enough, you can enslave it and send it out to get you money by committing theft or arson, or use it as target practice.
  • To win the gang wars, you need to infiltrate each rival gang and undermine them. To do this, you'll need to defeat head mobsters from each gang and gain gang patches. You need 8 gang patches to successfully undermine all gangs.
  • Once your rival gets the gist - that he's no match for your awesomeness - he'll help you infiltrate Mafia headquarters where you have to find the Mafia lord (who has replaced the champion whom he killed) and blow his head off. Whilst you take aim at his face, he will attempt to stop you by unleashing rabid, flesh-eating Pokemon at you. Each one you knife to death gives you an extra life.
  • Extra features include:
    • Trading with a friend(ly gang member) to get more or different armaments (trade a hunting rifle to turn it into a bayonet, and trade a knife to turn it into either a chainsaw or sword, depending on whether you took it from that playa-hating Pokemon during his daily patrol or if you "borrowed" it whilst he was sleeping in his crib a.k.a abandoned warehouse)
    • Playing the game on a 3DS so that you can see blood splattering ON the screen, instead of behind it
    • Vehicles to drive (other than the motorbike and only available at special Nintendo events held at your nearest gun shop on Independence Day and Labour Weekend).

 The only thing left would be names. I'm honestly undecided on this, but here are a few ideas I came up with:

  • Pokemon: Crips and Bloods versions (with a third being the Mafia versions)
  • Pokemon: Liberty City and Vice City versions (the third would be San Andreas version, or perhaps "Pokemon: The Grand Theft Part III version")
  • Pokemon: Bloody Red and Cold, Dead Body Blue versions (the third would have to be Treacherously Poisoned Green version)

 That's that. Pokemon needs to grow up, and if it's going to do so, then it needs a little bit more violence. Come on, you KNOW you'd buy it.

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